I cleaned the bathroom on Monday! Completing such a mundane task might not seem like a remarkable accomplishment and for most people, it isn’t. For me, it’s a different story. You see, I haven’t cleaned a bathroom since I was 19. Some might think that makes me lucky but I assure you that it does not. I wish I had spent the last five years cleaning bathrooms rather than fighting for my life and health.
My last memory of cleaning a bathroom is forever etched into my mind as a moment when I realized that my body was falling apart. It took me about three hours to clean it. I remember just sitting on the floor leaning against the bathtub trying to catch my breath. Trying to get my body to move again. I would clean a little and then sit down to rest again. My stamina had evaporated into thin air.
Just a few months earlier I had been dancing six hours a day. How could it be that cleaning one bathroom took more energy than six hours of ballet? After I finally finished cleaning the bathroom I had to lay down on the couch to try to recover. My body ached. Something was seriously wrong with me and we had no idea what it was.
I trust you can see why cleaning the bathroom today was such a big deal. I was really nervous on Sunday just thinking about how I was going to have to clean the bathroom. What if I didn’t remember how to do it? It felt like a daunting task. I really thought it might take me all day.
The good news is, I got it done in less than an hour and only realized afterwards how absurd it was for me to plan for it to take all day. The magnitude of the task had been blown way out of proportion. I hadn’t done it in so long that it felt foreign and overwhelming.
Fear of the unknown is something that I’ve had to deal with a lot in recovery. Reentering normal life after so many years of illness is kind of like coming home after living abroad for many years. Everything that should feel familiar feels new, scary and overwhelming.
I’ve often found myself feeling like a stranger in this world I call home. It takes time to relearn how to do everything that everyone else seems to do without thinking. A perfect illustration of this was the first time I went to a store without Brett. I was still using my wheelchair at this point. My sister was with me but I was the one with the credit card.
It wasn’t until we were in the check out line that I realized I didn’t remember how to use a credit card. Do you wait for them to tell you to swipe it? Which direction do you swipe it? Do I have to press a button? Before or after I swipe? I could feel my heart pounding faster in my chest and my cheeks getting flushed as I asked my sister for help.
The first time I encountered a chip reader was a similar experience. The checkout lady actually chuckled at me in disbelief, “You’ve never used a chip reader before?!” She meant no harm, but I felt humiliated. How do you explain to a stranger that you’re not stupid? That you’ve just been living in an alternate reality filled with doctors and medications and sickness?
The good news is, I’m gradually relearning to navigate this complicated world. Last week, I went into a store all by myself and bought some workout clothes. I was really shy, nervous and uncomfortable. It definitely took more courage than it should have to ask where the fitting room was. But this time I swiped the credit card correctly and left with a little more confidence. (Though I still forgot the part where you have to sign your name!)
It’s one thing to relearn how to do things and quite another to start feel comfortable doing them. The latter takes a lot more repetitions. The trick is to just take it one baby step at a time and practice until you get it down. You don’t have to become normal all at once. Just take it slow like peeling an onion layer by layer. Only try new things as you feel ready and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Be patient with yourself. It’s not easy learning to be normal again. And last but not least, have fun with it. It’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to laugh at yourself.
By the way, Brett and I made a beautiful PDF of my favorite resources for suffering souls. I created the content and he made it look fancy with his superduper graphic design skills. It’s available for free to my email subscribers. Click here to sign up and receive 5 Resources for the Suffering Soul.