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    Choosing to Hope

    January 17, 2018

    I’ve continued my detox treatments these last two weeks and I’m starting to see some progress. Unfortunately, I’m still not enjoying the nearly symptom-free status that I was enjoying in the fall. I’ve been quite tired, spending a lot more time in bed, and dealing with episodes of pain and nausea.

    It’s been really hard for me to know how to respond to this relapse. This is still the best winter I’ve had since my Lyme diagnosis. But going from almost 100% healthy to struggling again makes me feel fragile and unsure of the future. It can be confusing and I start to wonder:

    Should I keep living as though I’m going to fully recover? Should I go back to just trying to manage my illness and be the most faithful sick girl I can be?

    It’s not easy, but I’ve decided to live with hope. This means I’m accepting the current reality and making the adjustments I need to make. I rest when I need to rest. I do my treatments. I ask for help when I need it. But I’m still living as though I’m going to recover.

    As a Christian, I believe that Christ came to save and to heal and that at the end of time he is going to do away with evil and suffering once and for all.

    Sometimes when we’re busy remembering God’s sovereignty over all things, it’s easy to forget that God’s ultimate will for us really is healing. So, in an effort to remember this truth, I’m going to live like that healing is on it’s way and hope that it arrives sooner rather than later.

    Living with hope is a practical choice too. After all, if you’re hoping for something beyond your illness, you’re more likely to do things that will lead to health than if you just give up.

    This means I’m still hoping we will have a family someday. I’m still hoping to get over my mold sensitivity enough that we can make friends and maybe even welcome foster children into our home.

    It also means I haven’t given up my dream of getting back in ballet class. I decided that every day of this year I’m going to do something to move me closer towards that goal. So far I’ve succeeded. Even tiny things count, like reading about anatomy and working on my alignment. There were a couple days when the best I could do was just get out of bed to do 20 relevés (heel rises) and then go back to bed.

    It might take me years. But then again, I’m not God and I don’t see the future. After all, I never could have predicted that six months of mold avoidance would reverse Lyme symptoms I didn’t know could be reversed. Horrible things happen all of the sudden but good things can too.

    By the way, Brett and I made a beautiful PDF of my favorite resources for suffering souls. I created the content and he made it look fancy with his superduper graphic design skills. It’s available for free to my email subscribers. Click here to sign up and receive 5 Resources for the Suffering Soul.

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