Braver Than I Really Am

Less than an hour after I posted my last blog post we found out that our application for the new apartment had been accepted. So we went to the office to sign the lease and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening cleaning and moving. Well, I just sat and rested while Brett cleaned and moved.

I didn’t feel immediately better in the new apartment but I refused to dwell on that. Unfortunately, after going to bed it became impossible to deny. My insomnia was back. I tried doing breathing and relaxation exercises but it was useless. I could not sleep. I eventually got up and went to the bathroom to cry.

Does this mean this apartment isn’t any better than our old one? How am I gong to get through the rest of the winter feeling like this? I really believed this would do the trick. I don’t know if I can handle more sickness. I guess my blog makes me sound braver than I really am. I feel like a fraud.

I eventually fell asleep when Brett kindly offered to give me a foot massage.

It’s been almost two weeks since that night and we eventually came to the conclusion that this apartment is a little better than our old one but not nearly as good as we hoped that it would be. We’ve collected dust samples for an ERMI test and are still waiting to get the results. We thought it might be helpful to know what molds are present before we make any further decisions on how to handle my relapse.

Unfortunately, I’m still struggling a lot with my health. It seems pretty clear that the HVAC system is a problem for me. Both in this apartment and in the old one. So we decided to shut off the heat and buy space heaters instead. I’ve been sleeping better and waking up in less pain since we did that. Sadly, I’m still quite fatigued and Brett is doing pretty much all the work to keep both of us alive. He always serves cheerfully but it’s really painful for me to not be able to serve him in return.

On the bright side, we had a pretty good Christmas considering the circumstances. I was afraid it would be rather depressing but it ended up being really fun because we got to Skype family to open gifts and even play a game together.

Another positive is that I’ve been able to switch to weekly private Pilates lessons. In a private lesson, I can work at my own pace and avoid exercises that are far beyond my ability. Hopefully that will help me maintain some of the strength I worked so hard to gain. I usually feel pretty good at the Pilates studio so I’m considering switching to a twice per week schedule. We’ll see if my body allows.

Right now, it’s a daily battle just to keep pressing on. Sometimes when we’re suffering we just want to shut down. Staying alive to the joy and beauty in the world also means staying alive to the pain and sadness. That can be very difficult but I’m pretty sure it’s worth it. I may not be as brave as I wish I was, but I’m going to keep hoping.

By the way, Brett and I made a beautiful PDF of my favorite resources for suffering souls. I created the content and he made it look fancy with his superduper graphic design skills. It’s available for free to my email subscribers. Click here to sign up and receive 5 Resources for the Suffering Soul.