This post is quite vulnerable and gets to the heart of my spiritual life. But even if you don’t believe in a loving personal God, I do hope you will still come away with something of value. If not, come back on Monday for something else. I try my best to write a variety of posts so that there’s always something for everyone.
I grew up knowing that I wanted to be a ballerina and I worked hard at it. By the time I was in high school I was in a pre-professional company taking 12 ballet classes per week plus rehearsals and shows. It was grueling, but I loved it. I was made to dance! It was more than a passion, I felt like it was a calling from God. I was confident that He was going to use my dancing for his glory.
When I was seventeen I auditioned for Ballet Magnificat’s trainee program and was accepted. So after I graduated high school I moved to Mississippi to train with them. It was a dream come true! The perfect combination of artistic excellence and ministry! I couldn’t imagine anything better!
Towards the end of the season that year, it came time for “evaluations”. “Evaluations” is kind of like a final exam, only worse. It’s that scary time of year where each trainee has to meet privately with the instructors to receive feedback on their dancing and learn of their fate. Some trainees are invited to stay another year in the same level, others are moved up to level 2, others are promoted to the professional company, and some unlucky ones are “released.” Which if we’re all honest is just a nice-ish word for rejected. Ouch.
I wasn’t too worried though because I was in level 1 and my friends told me that first year level 1 trainees never get “released.” Even if they thought I was a terrible dancer, I would almost certainly be invited to stay another year in level 1.
So, I was nervous as I walked up the steps into the meeting, but I was not prepared for the devastating blow I was about to receive. They were letting me go! I fought back tears and tried to appear strong and unsurprised, but my roommates can tell you that it only lasted until the meeting was over. I was a mess.
Thankfully, my friends were really supportive and understanding. Brett, my fiancé at the time, was there too so I was able process the disappointment with him. They all said that God must have something better for me and I found great comfort in that. I might not be able to understand what God was doing but pretty soon I would be able to look back and see why it was better than my original plan. He was going to work it out for my good.
I still felt like God wanted me to keep dancing so I made plans to audition for the trainee program at Paradosi Ballet in Seattle. They required a solo piece for the audition and I picked the song “Gentle Savior” to dance to. The words of the song were my hearts cry. I was choosing to trust God even when I couldn’t understand what he was doing. It couldn’t have fit my situation more perfectly.
“Where are the signs? Which way should I go?
I planned each step but now I don’t know
Tomorrow is a chasm of uncertainty
But, I will go there, if you’ll go with me
Gentle Savior, lead me on
Let Your Spirit light the way
Gentle Savior, lead me on
Hold me close and keep me safe
Lead me on, gentle Savior”
I got accepted to train with Paradosi and Brett and I moved to Seattle after our honeymoon. Only instead of dancing, I sat out in the studio as I watched my health mysteriously deteriorate. New symptoms kept popping up, until one day I was too sick to even go to the studio. By October, I was bed bound. I was frighteningly ill and no one knew what was wrong. It got to the point where I needed full time caregiving. Just three months after our wedding, we moved to upstate New York to live with my parents and seek better medical care.
That marked the beginning of my 5 year battle with debilitating chronic illness. Excruciating pain, constant nausea, autonomic nervous system dysfunction, multi-hour panic attacks, crippling fatigue, extreme sound and light sensitivity, cognitive impairment, severe insomnia… I could go on. It was hell on earth. I spent most of my time in bed or in a wheelchair.
This year, we discovered that mold toxicity was driving my illness and my body is finally healing. As I come out of survival mode I am being confronted with the questions and grief I didn’t get to process when I was fighting for my life.
About a month ago, while I was doing laundry, I remembered that disappointed yet hopeful 19-year-old, dancing “Gentle Savior.” The memory pierced my heart like a sharp icicle. “I was so innocent.” I thought cynically. It left me with a bitter taste I didn’t dare put into words.
If I had, it probably would have said something like this:
God, I trusted you and you betrayed me. Gentle Savior? You tore me to pieces. Light the way? I never knew such deep darkness was possible. Hold me close? You withheld your presence while I screamed in agony. Keep me safe? I gave you my everything and you destroyed my life and body. Lead me on? You led me somewhere that was more horrible than I ever could have imagined.
But I didn’t let myself go there. Such unspiritual thoughts! Surely, these messy prayers could not be an expression of trust in God!
I shoved the feelings aside that day, but since then I’ve come to ask, “Could they?” Could these types of messy prayers be an expression of trust in God? Should I be letting myself go there?
And I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer is yes. The Bible is full of prayers like these, full of laments. God was not ashamed or embarrassed to include prayers of questioning and complaint in His Word. He knew that His children would need the language of lament in this broken world.
And in His mercy, He included prayers like these:
O LORD, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me?
Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.
Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me.
They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together.
He has made my flesh and my skin waste away; he has broken my bones;
he has besieged and enveloped me with bitterness and tribulation;
he has made me dwell in darkness like the dead of long ago.
He has walled me about so that I cannot escape; he has made my chains heavy;
though I call and cry for help, he shuts out my prayer;
he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones; he has made my paths crooked.
He is a bear lying in wait for me, a lion in hiding;
he turned aside my steps and tore me to pieces; he has made me desolate
God is big enough. He can take it. If God was afraid that prayers of lament would stain His reputation, He wouldn’t have put them in the Bible. He can handle our cries of pain, confusion, and even accusation.
Lament isn’t something you hear a lot about in the western church today but it is an important part of the christian life. As someone who has suffered deeply, I have come to believe that it is a kind of prayer I must learn to pray if I want to experience renewed intimacy with God. So, I am choosing to open up that messy conversation even thought it’s awkward and painful.
Because when we feel like God has betrayed our trust, lament actually moves us towards Him. It is the proper response. When we stifle our laments and instead force praise we keep God at arms length. It’s in wrestling with Him that we come to know Him as He really is.
Through lament we gain a deeper trust. A trust in God’s character, in who He is. Because maybe, God didn’t actually betray my trust. Maybe my trust in Him was too short-sighted and shallow.
I thought trusting Him meant believing that He was going to bring something good out of my rejection, something better than staying at Ballet Magnificat. That in another year, I would be able to look back and say, “Wow, it was really good that I didn’t stay at Ballet Magnificat. This new plan is better for the kingdom and better for me. I wouldn’t change a thing.”
You see? I was trusting God for an outcome. I was trusting Him that He’d either lead me into something even better than what I originally wanted or else change my desires so that I would want something else. It’s not that I was trusting God to give me something specific but I trusted that He would give me something I could understand and recognize as good.
That didn’t happen. The next five years were horrific. The broken dreams paled in comparison to the agony of a body that seemed intent on death. Even worse, God withheld His presence through just about all of it.
A debilitating chronic illness was definitely not within the realm of possibilities that I foresaw. But that’s what I got, and it’s forced me towards a deeper and truer trust. A trust in God’s ultimate goodness. A trust that He will use even the most horrible things I’ve endured for my personal good and for the cosmic good.
At this point, I haven’t seen enough good come out of my illness to honestly say that it was worth it. I think I might die feeling that way, but I trust that in heaven I will be able to see how God wove my tiny story perfectly into the rest of history. I will see that the world is better and happier because of my suffering. I will see that my family and friends are better and happier because of my suffering. I will see that my husband is better and happier because of my suffering. I will see that I am better and happier because of my suffering. I will look back on the story of my life and say, “I wouldn’t change a thing.”
And so my friends, when God betrays your trust… Don’t walk away, don’t harden your heart, and don’t come with empty praises. Approach Him honestly with your questions, sorrows and accusations. Lament, and through lament discover a deeper, richer, truer trust in God.
By the way, Brett and I made a beautiful PDF of my favorite resources for suffering souls. I created the content and he made it look fancy with his superduper graphic design skills. It’s available for free to my email subscribers. Click here to sign up and receive 5 Resources for the Suffering Soul.
Ana, my heart weeps for you and all you have lost. So much pain and so much grief. And always the challenge of how does one trust in a good God when life is anything but good?August 11, 2017 at 11:48 am
It really is so hard to take our pain and our anger to God, but I rejoice that you are learning.
Thank you so much Laura! I know you understand. ❤️August 11, 2017 at 5:45 pm
Dear lady,January 2, 2020 at 12:50 am
Being able to experience God as a true scientist, an extremely hard worker I discovered how the creator works. It’s all recalculated. There is always a formula linked to friends,relatives, people they know you and the answer is always close contact. God like to work in close contact equation. So even is a work, even is a career, a lover the formula is still there. The conditions of every person are different, the dreams are different and we see the world with different eye. I have been able to experience the ultimate love, that spark, that unbeatable feeling and I was only creating magic moments. Usually when we look for progress, elegance, peaceful life, honestly, we are on the correct way. This when we realize that God needs to enter our life to protect us. The world is made from -&+ electrons. That’s how you save data to your brain. When I was at a point that I was seeking help all my people, my family betrayed me. I got change my living place, I lost everything, and in the end of the day I had lost the real love. Nobody born with that. It’s all about creation. It’s been around 10 years of suffering, no stable work, no progress, illness, sadness, no Christmas, no holidays, no emotional comfort, no children, no love. Unfortunately the disaster hit my life. I was a giving hand, a real lover ext ext why?? I was a tough prayer for God and still believe with all my heart. It’s only seems that God dealing with my close contact work environment ext ext, trying to find linked friends and people to support my future. All this cause me a headache because I do something that I don’t like. NOW LISTEN: Am I able to dream? Am I able to suffer? Am I able to have children? Am I able to feel the love and support? I know there are worse situations always but why can an innocent person suffer. If the time pass how to turn back the time?
This message is from my heart : GOD NEEDS UPDATE OF THE FORMULA URGENTLY!!! Basically it’s all about the equation. Do you understand that we believe to something we never seen???
Do you understand we keep doing it without a sense of thinking? What the f…k is happening here? Wake up ? But now is too late!!! I hope if the creators are aware of the prayers to please help us at least achieve our dreams of love and support!!! Children are the future of this world!! We know that The system we leave is band to band creation and you filter the ones that their energy is ++ but listen to hour hearts , we are humans!!! I strongly believe to God but If you really want a change you need to step in and do. God’s Formula is old!! God doesn’t support Children, dreams, love ext ext God just using the close contact as I mentioned before. That’s why you never get what you always dreaming. If God show up a different scenario in my life or at least help me and all of you that need a helping hand, I promise I will come back and erase all this message in the Glory of GOD!!
Love you all
This is so powerful, beautiful, and sobering all at the same time, Ana! Thank you for being willing to share with us as you work through these important and difficult issues. We love you!August 11, 2017 at 4:39 pm
Aww! Thank you so much Alex! So encouraging!August 11, 2017 at 5:46 pm
Absolutely powerful! God bless you and strengthen you. Thank you for sharing.August 11, 2017 at 5:15 pm
Thank you so much Ana. 💕August 11, 2017 at 5:46 pm
What a beautiful post. . . It is so encouraging for me to be reminded of this. Thank you so much!August 11, 2017 at 5:24 pm
I’m so glad to hear that Bella! I was hoping it would encourage someone. 💕August 11, 2017 at 5:46 pm
I’ve been reading all these posts for a long while now, and I’ve known about your sickness for longer through the Rebelution. I’ve heard of how much you’ve suffered, and I’ve though “Wow, that must be hard”. But what I didn’t see or think of is the spiritual anguish that must come alongside such physical pain.
It’s not like I’m a total stranger to those feelings of “Why God, why would you put me through his? Why aren’t you listening to me and answering my prayers? Why don’t I feel your comfort?” I might venture to say I can perhaps relate on a tiny scale. My brother and sister have serious mental health issues, so my “childhood” has consisted of living and coping with an “aggressive” sister and a suicidal brother, in addition to a whole lot of loneliness. There was a point where I directly asked God “Why? Why won’t you fix this?” and there was a point when I asked him to take my life away because I was so tired of this broken world.
But when I look at someone who is enduring physical pain, all I think of is the physical pain. I understand the darkness and the spiritual struggle to some extent, but I forget that they may be experiencing this instead of just the physical pain.
So anyways, I think one thing I’m trying to say here is that you have taught me to think differently about people with physical illnesses. For one thing, I can try to be more aware of not just their physical struggles. But for another thing, I can be less judgemental of their seeming “lack of trust”. I’ve been blessed to see God pull me out the end of my struggles and make me so much better as the result. I’m able to trust God so much more as the result, because he’s already proven his faithfulness powerfully to me. And sometimes I don’t understand why other people have such a hard time trusting the doctrine of Romans 8:28. Even the Psalmists. I think, “why were you complaining about your suffering? Don’t you know how awesome God is? Don’t you trust him?” forgetting how much harder it is to trust in the middle of suffering than it is once you’ve gotten past it.
A verse that comes to mind when pondering all of this is one whose reference I’ve forgotten, “blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe”. I know it was talking about believing in Jesus’ resurrection, but I think it applies here too. I think God will especially reward those who trust him even in the midst of their trials, believing he is faithful even when it doesn’t seem like they’ve seen a whole lot of proof of his faithfulness.
So anyways… this comment is much longer than I meant it to be. Sorry about that.
Keep persevering, Ana. 🙂 Keep believing even when you can’t see. Keep being an inspiration, encouragement, and help to many people as you are through this blog and through your story. Thank you for your honesty and your vulnerability.August 11, 2017 at 6:49 pm
Thank you so much for sharing all of this Olivia. I really appreciate it. I’m encouraged to hear that my blog has helped you understand people with physical illnesses better. Thanks for reading! 💕August 11, 2017 at 7:47 pm
What nonsense. Please turn off the smirkiness…..May 8, 2019 at 11:31 pm
I’ve aeen the good God has brought out of terrible pain, though in this particular case, I only saw it after several decades. As for letting myself be angry with God and yell at him (again only after decades of walking with him), I’ve learned that doing so brought us closer, brought the truth into our relationship, and increased my trust in him. The first time I yelled at God he gave me a gift 🙂August 11, 2017 at 7:07 pm
That’s so encouraging to hear Lisa! 💕August 11, 2017 at 7:48 pm
54YRS AND COUNTING. ANYBODY TELL ME HOW TO MAKE A HANGMANS NOOSE??????????April 28, 2018 at 3:11 pm
What a powerful piece Ana. You are nailing it when it comes to processing with God, and I love the “God is big enough” section, it makes so much sense! It gives freedom to let your heart go free to Him, which is the point of our relationship and drives us closer, as you said.August 11, 2017 at 8:18 pm
I love seeing your journey of healing, as it inspires a lot of thought, as well as challenges my beliefs about who God is and how He works especially in the realm of healing.
Aww… Thank you for reading and commenting David. I’m so glad to hear that it’s been challenging and encouraging. I wrestled with the healing issue a lot, especially at the beginning of my illness. Eric Metaxas’ book “Miracles” really helped and encouraged me. You might find it interesting. God bless you brother! 🙂August 12, 2017 at 11:20 am
Ana, I think that one of the things that the Lord has given you is the ability to express how low you’ve felt spiritually–how hard it was to read because it was so raw and real. I’ve only recently heard about true biblical lament (mostly through the book, “No More Faking Fine”) and it forced open doors in my heart that I had thought I’d sealed shut. Your suffering has given you a depth of expression that can’t come any other way, because the Lord is unmistakably present and central. It gives me a lot to think about.
Humanly speaking, I pray that the Lord will open doors of physical healing and restoration for you but that your testimony in the midst of what you’re walking through will do so much more than you (or any of us) can imagine.August 11, 2017 at 8:25 pm
Thank you so much Krista! I’m reading “No More Faking Fine” too and I’ve gotten a lot out of it. Lament wasn’t something I thought much about until recently but it’s such a beautiful gift God has given to us and a path towards healing.August 12, 2017 at 11:22 am
“I was trusting Him for an outcome” instead of trusting in His goodness. Wow. Just wow. Thank you for the puzzle piece that has been missing for so long.
I don’t know how God will continue to use your unexpected life story but if it yielded nothing but this article, I think it would still be a huge service to the Christian community.
Thank you.August 11, 2017 at 10:29 pm
Wow… this comment. It makes me feel like all the hard work of blogging and thinking and processing is worth it. I’m so glad it impacted you.August 12, 2017 at 11:26 am
Thank you for this post Ana. You’re so right that lament is part of the christian life that we don’t often hear about in the church today. “It’s not that I was trusting God to give me something specific but I trusted that He would give me something I could understand and recognize as good.” Very insightful. People say things like “when God closes one door, He opens another.” Not true! I became a believer seventeen and a half years ago, full of hope and excited about God’s plans for my future. Instead, after only about a year, my health imploded. God crushed my dreams and destroyed my body. It took years of darkness and having no idea what was wrong to get the lyme diagnosis, and I’m only now learning that mold toxicity has perhaps been the biggest factor in all my illness. Many times I questioned why God would allow such seemingly pointless suffering to drag on year after year. Like you, I haven’t seen enough good come out of this nightmare to say it was worth it, and I don’t know if I will before I die. I’m also learning what it means to trust God even when I can’t see anything good come out of my suffering. An eternal perspective is essential. Knowing Jesus, who was Himself unjustly crushed and forsaken by God, is essential. You’re not alone on this road, neither in suffering through mold and related illness nor in learning to lament and really trust God through it. Thanks again for sharing.August 12, 2017 at 4:41 am
Yes! Yes! Amen, dear sister! I agree with you completely. Because we know that Christ himself was willing to endure great suffering we can be sure that the reason our suffering continues is not because he doesn’t care. And yes, an eternal perspective is essential!August 12, 2017 at 2:24 pm
I do not know you, but I stumbled upon this article from a friend’s Facebook page. What open and venerable thoughts you have shared! I thank you for your courage and honesty. I am so familiar with your story, since I have been battling 6 autoimmune diseases for years now. I have been in the same spiritual battle that you fight daily, and the Lord has worked through every detail of my life to show me His strength through my weekness. With my sickness, I only have a 1 in 20 chance of waking up every day that I go to sleep. So I honestly cannot face each day without the Lord. And what I have learned is that, although I won’t ever understand the earthly logic of giving me these diseases, God has ordained it to bring me closer to Him. Without these, I would not have that precious and daily dependence on the Lord for life. And when He does decide to let my diseases take my life, it will not be them conquering me. The Lord’s hand will be through it all, and it will be grace winning. I will be surrendered to eternal joy. Also, how much more will you and I be thankful for that eternal redemption of our bodies than most people? The pain will be washed away forever, and that will cause us to rejoice even more. I look forward to that day, and that anticipation is worth every pain. As an artist as well, I have made a short film about my spiritual struggle with chronic illness. Here it is: https://vimeo.com/56124799August 12, 2017 at 5:56 am
Wow… Thank you for sharing Danielle. What a story! Beautiful video too! May the Lord be near to you as you continue to cling to him. 💕August 12, 2017 at 2:44 pm
Wow…beautifully expressed…it is hard to find the good in what we are going through…I am exhausted with trying to live…everyday is a fight…I keep thinking it has to get better. Everyday I ask what is the lesson I am suppose to be getting from all of this? Everyday I wonder why me? You are so fortunate to have a loving husband beside you.August 12, 2017 at 11:50 am
I’m so sorry Susan. I’m glad you’re asking the questions and wrestling though. My heart goes out to you. 💕August 12, 2017 at 2:46 pm
Just a couple weeks before I ended up in the emergency room again, which led us to finally discover that my major issue for the past 5+ years has been mold, I attended a weekend retreat on lamenting. I cried out to God for understanding as to why He just kept heaping on more and more hardship. Little did I know at that moment just how hard it was about to get. I am so grateful I learned this tool before starting our most recent journey and I am so thankful for a God who hears our cries. Thank you so much for sharing your journey!August 12, 2017 at 2:24 pm
Wow! That’s amazing Ashley! What a blessing to learn the language of lament beforehand. 💕August 12, 2017 at 2:47 pm
Amen! I don’t have the words I’d like right now, but that was so encouraging to read. I want to cry and laugh all st the same time, as I’ve faced similar struggles and questions. A song I’ve really enjoyed is https://youtu.be/nfXwzMi1FxAAugust 12, 2017 at 9:39 pm
Oh! I’m so glad to hear this Sara. Thank you for sharing that song. Those are some beautiful lyrics! 💕August 13, 2017 at 1:36 pm
Ana, this post was so amazing!! I cried. This touched me deeply. You’ve expressed things that a lot of us feel and experience, but don`t have the courage to say. I’ve felt this way myself, lots of times. There are so many thing’s this side of heaven we humans just don`t understand. And I fear we never will. But this post expressed that raw pain and experience that screams “why” in the midst of it all. I know I’ve mentioned this book to you before, but when I read this post it sounded like Gerald Sittser in his book, A Grace Disguised. I truly think his words will resonate with you. And from the words you so eloquently put here, I can see a book from you someday. In the meantime, the ministry you have hear is blessing people daily and I thank you for it and praise God for you!!!! (PS. My husband is struggling with these issues about God right now too. So I read it to him and it really affected him. So thank you!)August 13, 2017 at 7:47 am
Thank you so much Chris! This comment makes me feel a lot less alone. To be honest, I don’t know that I really had the courage. This post was born out of prayer. I just purchased the book and will hopefully start reading soon. Thanks for the recommendation. I’m glad to hear the blog impacted your husband too. 💕August 13, 2017 at 1:43 pm
Hey Chris, I don’t know if you’ll see this comment but I hope it alerts you somehow. 💕I just finished reading the book this morning (I’ve had more time to read now that I’m not able to keep up with the chores.) A lot of it really resonated with me. Especially the part about recovery from loss not really being the goal. So insightful & freeing… we’re going to grow into something new and beautiful but it won’t be going back to what we had and were before the loss. Life can be good again but not the good that we originally wanted.
I also liked his honesty and what he had to say about God’s sovereignty as that is something I’m really struggling with currently. I wished he had elaborated on it more.
Anyway, thank you so much for sharing that resource with me. I think I’ll have to read it again at some point.August 15, 2017 at 6:21 pm
Ana! So glad you had the chance to read Gerald’s book. It is a one of its kind resource as not many people have went through that much, and there is not much out there like it. Yes, I wish he would have went on alittle more on certain things. God’s soverignty is one of those really difficult subjects. Jennifer Kennedy Dean does talk alittle more about it in her bible study called Live a Praying Life (she has special appendix at the back that deals with this). But truthfully, I think that even theology majors have a tough time with this topic. I struggle with this too. For instance, right now my daughter Amanda is doing research on her new book that is set in WWII. So we have been watching all these movies and she’s doing tons of research and frankly the more I know about it, the more I struggle with how God let it go on for so long. There were actually 15 attempts to kill Hitler by his own people in an effort to stop the madness, and some of them, if only one little thing would have been different, they would have been successful. So why didn’t God help/allow that one little thing to happen? My girls and I talk about these kinds of things all the time. The conclusion I’ve come to currently is, there are just some things we will not understand this side of heaven. Since I’m only human and have a human mind, I will just not be able to comprehend the why of it all. Even though I’d truly like to. The world is full of so much evil and unanswered questions and things that just don’t make human sense. But if I truly believe the Bible, then I know the end of the story and know that things will be made right in the end. So i try to hang onto that, but its not easy. In fact, its downright hard most of the time. So I get where you’re coming from, Ana. Gerald also struggled with these things in the book too and I appreciated his transparency, like I appreciate yours. We all should “Not Fake Fine” anymore. Non-Christians can’t relate when we do. And then we can’t help each other, either!! (Love that book by Esther Fleece!! :))August 21, 2017 at 6:54 am
Hey Ana, that was a beautiful post! by the way is that you in the picture?August 13, 2017 at 2:43 pm
Thanks Ellie! Yes, it’s me about 6 years ago.August 13, 2017 at 3:58 pm
This post has really had a great impact on me the last few days since reading it. I’ve sent it to multiple family members and friends in addition to being deeply impacted myself. As a former trainee at Ballet Mag that was let go, in one day my entire future pulled out from under me, I have been able to relate to this in a unique way. Trying to pick up the pieces and continue on after that has been messy and unfulfilling to say the least. On top of that, life before that and now in general being unnecessarily hard. When you feel like you’ve given all of yourself to serve the Lord but all you receive is more brokenness and strife…with no answers. Still in the healing process, these questions and answers you have written about your journey have been inlightening to say the least. I am awed and grateful for your resilience in your walk with the Lord, it speaks volumes to your character and to the power of God. Thank you for speaking of this and being vulnerable with your heart. You are a beautiful person!August 13, 2017 at 2:49 pm
Aww… Thank you so much for taking the time to write this Ana. It’s nice to hear from another former trainee… (and name twin! 🙂) I’m so sorry you’re going through the grieving process and confusion of being let go. There aren’t any easy answers and it takes time, a lot of time sometimes. Just give yourself grace and don’t beat yourself up for not getting over it faster… God be with you sister. 💕August 13, 2017 at 4:02 pm
I don’t know you personally, but I fear you might not realize how much good this blog does in the life of others. I often draw strength from it when I feel ill or discouraged, and you consistently inspire me. Because you articulate your thoughts and feelings so beautifully, I find myself relating to you much better than some other mold avoiders. Your expression of vulnerability is a gift to others who are suffering. Perhaps you don’t yet see the goodness in your suffering, because you don’t know of the people who read and find hope in your words but don’t comment. I think of your willingness to share as a blessing in and of itself, I am sure there are more lurkers like me, too.August 16, 2017 at 3:16 am
Aww! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment Helen. It’s so kind of you to bring this encouragement…Thank you so much. It’s so healing to hear that my suffering is bringing about good in the lives of others. God bless you Helen. 💕August 16, 2017 at 4:07 pm
Ana, thank you for this extra long and open-hearted post. Such true words! I just got back from a ladies retreat at my church, so I’m getting caught up on your posts a bit late. I was reading John 11 in my Bible reading, about Jesus and Lazarus, Mary, and Martha. The account took on a new light for me, when I remembered a dark time in my life, when I prayed for a young friend’s life to be spared from cancer, but he still passed away. That feeling of God not answering my prayer really damaged my trust in God far more than I realized (for a long time). I remember crying alone in my dorm stairwell, feeling like no one else could hear me or cared that I was grieving, and unable to go to the side of those I wanted to comfort (and needed to be comforted by). It has taken several years for my faith to revive, and my prayers to find confidence again. This last Sunday, my pastor preached from Mark 4 about Jesus calming the sea for His disciples. Then it struck me. Storms. I’ve had this thought before: there are different ways God deals with us and the storms in our lives. He may bring us safely to the other side. He may calm the storm. He may deliver us right out of the storm. But… like Lazarus… sometimes, for reasons only God knows (and I’m learning to accept in faith, claiming Proverbs 3:5-6), sometimes God just lets the storm happen… and after the storm, He comes along and picks us up again. These are without-a-doubt the hardest storms of life. We ask why, we doubt, we fear, we struggle, we fight, and we stress our way into sickness and depression. And, you’re right, God lets us ask those questions, and express our emotions, and fight those spiritual battles. That’s why He calls us Christian soldiers. Soldiers get wounded sometimes, and after the bullets and smoke clear, then your buddy comes along and pulls you back from the front lines. God is always there in our lives, but not always answering our prayers like (or when) we want Him to. We don’t always feel His presence, but we know from the Bible that His love is unchanging, He never forsakes or forgets us, and He always has a future in mind for us (even when we can’t seem to see it for ourselves). It really got to me, reading the start of John 11, as Jesus is talking to His disciples. He knew when Lazarus got sick. He knew when he died. Jesus wasn’t there for Lazarus. He couldn’t be, though He wanted to be. Jesus came to do the will of His Father (the trinity is beautiful, and another thing we can’t fully understand, but shows us incredible things about the nature and heart of God). I can’t understand all the reasons why Lazarus had to die, but I do know God was glorified in the end, and Lazarus was brought back to life, and probably never ever feared death or being killed the rest of his time on earth. God always had a plan, but that didn’t make it easy for Jesus to complete that plan. It amazed me to see the humility of Christ, His love and compassion for Mary, Martha, and Lazarus (Jesus wept… that says it all to me). He wasn’t “showing off”, and He wasn’t being cruel. He trusted the Father, and obeyed His will. His heart cared for everyone, and just as He says we should, He truly wept with those who wept. How can I not follow Christ’s example? If it was hard for Him, then I know it’s okay for it to be hard for me too. I don’t know if that quite makes sense, Ana. It really helped me this week, in thinking over and understanding better the darkest storms I’ve gone through. I really encourage you to read John 11. I think about you and your husband often, keeping you in my prayers, and considering the lessons and grace God is showing me through your ongoing story. I thank God for each new chapter of healing and understanding you find, and I thank you so much for having the courage and openness to write them. ~ Your sister in ChristAugust 21, 2017 at 8:18 am
Ana,September 30, 2017 at 5:36 pm
This looks like an older post, but I hope I can reach you. What you have written here was like an arrow to my heart and balm to my wounded soul. I have crippling depression, and have given up on a joyful, meaningful life. I barely escaped being confined to a behavorial health unit for the fourth time this year just last night. I have been a believer since I was small and I am wrestling with God over the devastation my illness has caused in my life. At one point this summer, I was on my hands and knees on the floor of my hospital room, sobbing and pleading with God for healing and help until I could no longer speak or stand. I continued to cry and soundlessly mouthed my desperate cries. Now it is fall, and I am still in so much pain that I just wish I could die. I feel so betrayed by God, and I have been trying to stifle that feeling, believing it was wrong to indulge in that kind of thinking. I thought that surely I had no right to question God or His motives. But, as you said, God’s word has lamentation in it. These people knew that God was righteous and good and did not know what God was doing and did not hesitate to ask Him. David himself did so and we are told that he was the apple of God’s eye! I think you hit the nail on the head by differentiating between lamentation and a lack of faith in God.
Oh dear sister! Thank you for taking the time to share your story. My heart is so broken to hear of what you’ve been through. Mental illness is often worse than physical illness and I’ve dealt with both. I am so glad my words have given you the freedom to lament. I think that is the first step to soul healing even if the symptoms are not alleviated.
But please, dear sister, don’t give up on a a joyful and meaningful life. I’m not saying it’s something you can work up inside yourself. I doubt you can, but I encourage you to keep searching for answers. I too suffered severe depression and mental torment that turned out to have a treatable physical cause. It was a long journey but I no longer suffer with the suffocating darkness and crippling mental pain that we both know so well.
Love in Christ,
AnaSeptember 30, 2017 at 7:17 pm
SO ANAAAA HOW MUCH MONEY ARE YOU MAKING ON OUR PAIN?LETS DO LUNCH??$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$April 28, 2018 at 3:05 pm
Thank you for this post. As you say it is when one is feeling better that one has the mental and emotional bandwidth to grieve and ask the big questions. I am going through an upswing in my illness path and with it has come an awareness of a crisis of faith. I don’t like to admit it even to myself but I could truthfully call myself a slightly agnostic Christian. You know, when the question goes from God why are you are not fair to God are you really even there. Perhaps it really is past time to lament.September 30, 2017 at 10:26 pm
I can definitely relate. I went through similar doubts and questions at the beginning of my illness. I’m so sorry your suffering has brought you to this place. I do think that learning to lament at this point would be a huge step in the right direction. It’s not too late to bring those questions to God and talk them through with others. I think sometimes we can hesitate to voice our doubts for fear that there will be no answer. But truth is not so fragile. If it’s true it can always stand up to questioning. Your faith will be so much stronger for having asked and wrestled with the questions than it would be for just pushing the doubts aside. May you find healing and truth. 💕
P.S. I’m re-reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis right now and have found it to be really helpful. I’m not really struggling with the existence of God but I do have a lot of other theological questions and it’s been really helpful to go back to the basics.October 1, 2017 at 8:14 am
Awesome entry, Ana.October 1, 2017 at 10:37 am
This post convicted, encouraged as well as strengthened me. Thank you so much for posts like these, and I greatly look forward to your next post on you spiritual journey. =)October 12, 2017 at 3:29 pm
You know, you really should write a book about trusting God through suffering. It may not seem like it, but because of your trials, you have a well of wisdom buried inside.
I just don’t get it. Good for you but I do t get God. I’m stuck. Trying to seek him but angry at Him. Long story. I’m sorry for what you went through.January 20, 2018 at 12:24 pm
I’m so sorry Connie. This is one of the reasons I wrote the article. To give people permission to bring those feelings of anger and betrayal to God. Seeking him is not separate from praying our fear and anger and sadness. I hope you find healing and renewed trust as you learn to lament. 💕January 20, 2018 at 12:46 pm
Connie, nobody will or has responded to you because you didn’t write nice fuzzy ‘feel good factor’ fake comments.May 8, 2019 at 11:37 pm
Any person who praises God for the loss of health, a marriage, children etc etc is a FOOL.
Remember, God signs off what satan requests to do with us….they’re in it together. This is supported in Job but shallow plastic Christians don’t like the truth so they dress it up warm and guey!
I too have been betrayed by God after He led me in a very supernatural way thousands of miles from home and thousands in debt on false pretenses and then broke my heart and left me in pain for years. All of this happened after He brought me back to Him and then made my life worse than it was before. So why should we want His will? The only thing I want to do is to drag that Stuck Pig off His throne and rain down vengeance on his filthy head! He deserves to have His skull bashed in repeatedly for daring to be God over us.April 5, 2018 at 11:48 am
WOW YOU ARE RIGHT ON!! I COULD’NT AGREE MORE. GOD HAS SINNED AGIANT’S HIS ‘CHILDREN’ IF GOD IS ALL KNOWING WHAT A SICK MIND!!!!!April 28, 2018 at 3:00 pm
I understand your pain more than you know. We have similar stories so I’ll get to the point: I’ve learn to accept the pain that resulted from my experience within that cult. I left the religion because I refuse to accept that I deserved it. You’re not alone. I sought professional counseling and it helped A LOT. Best of luck to you.July 29, 2019 at 10:50 am
AS A LITTLE BOY GOD SAT BACK AND WATCHED AS MY FATHER HAD SEX WITH ME.WHILE ALSO BEING BEATEN AND PUBLICLY HUMILATED.MY ‘ADULTHOOD HAS BEEN A NIGHTMARE OF LOSS. BETRAYED.FAILING 1000000000000TIMES. AND AT 54YRS OLD GOES ONAND ON!!!!!!!!!! GOD OWES ME A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!April 28, 2018 at 11:18 am
I am so so sorry this happened to you Patrick. What your father did is horrible and evil and without excuse. I’m so sorry. I pray you will find healing and restoration.May 2, 2018 at 5:38 pm
Beautiful, poignant and wonderfully true. As someone who has suffered chronic illness for 7 years and still no answers I felt every word you spoke so vividly. I have seen God work through me, my friends and family who have had to ride this rollercoaster with me and even complete strangers. I have wanted to understand the “whys” but if I did then I would be all-knowing like God. I may never know why he has me here or why he is making me walk through the deepest valley of my life but I must trust him and believe that he is weaving a beautiful story and good will come as a result of the pain. Thank you for sharing your heart!May 17, 2018 at 9:09 am
So God really didn’t show you ‘IF’ He is good, you’re assuming so because a religious book and a few deluded people who have had great successful lives tell you He is?? What BS!May 8, 2019 at 11:41 pm
Even if you walked away you’d be justified! Where is justice anyway? Another ILLUSION???
EXACTLY. If there is no evidence to distinguish xtianity from any other religion such as islam or buddhism or hinduism then it’s meaningless and arbitrary isn’t it? All this article did was remind us that gawd is no better than a magic 8 ball. The evidence shows he is NOT trustworthy, does NOT work things out for our good. It shows the promises of the psalms are a collectively a giant dung heap. the buybull is a book of lies just like its supposed author. Speaking of authors, even if things were to turn around for this author that doesn’t negate the billions of stories around the world of situations that did not turn around for people whose hopes and dreams were smashed by gawd and whose valiant work was pissed on by the author’s gawd. if that coward pos god ever showed himself on equal terms i’d mag dump a .45 in his face.May 20, 2020 at 10:12 pm
This was so refreshing, in a strange way. I’ve had fibromyalgia for years; that was manageable. In Dec. I suddenly began having extreme perimenopausal depression and anxiety that literally made me feel crazy. The very day that I went to the doctor for this, my daughter confessed that she’d been molested/raped over a multi-year period by our long-time friend/employee. (He also molested/raped his granddaughter.) The man is now in jail, but having to listen to the investigator describe what this man did to our daughter…something died in me that day. This has broken me beyond belief as I was confronted by the fact, which I always knew in my head, that God does NOT always protect us or act “logically” in the way that we WANT Him to act. God could have stopped the abuse at any time during those years, but He did not. Now my daughter is having nightmares of being raped, and she vomits when she sees a man who looks like her abuser. (She is in trauma counseling.) There is also the hard fact that sometimes doing what we feel called by God to do (in my case, homeschooling), may actually lead to suffering for those we love. Am I deeply heartbroken and disappointed in God? YES. Am I sometimes angry at God? YES. Have I doubted God’s “goodness?” YES. Have I struggled to reconcile my theology with what I’m experiencing? YES. Am I walking the real path of Christ, who was betrayed by a close friend, who suffered intense emotional distress, and who felt misunderstood by others and abandoned by God? I think so. I think, in this our relatively easy Western culture, we’ve softened Christianity and absorbed the idea that God always “tempers the wind to the shorn lamb,” and that his “love’ for us is always the kind of protective, gentle love that we can understand. I think that in centuries past more people didn’t have this illusion. They spoke of God loving us spiritually, but that didn’t mean that children didn’t starve in the streets or that people didn’t die horribly painful deaths. People spoke of “mysterious dispensations of Providence” when a child died. They accepted that life would be a battle, that there would be REAL suffering involved, that humans were called to translate God’s spiritual love into physical reality, and they didn’t always assume that God’s ways would be understandable to the human mind. I think that perhaps this put a little more steel into people’s spines than many of us have today, and fortified people against the shock of finding out that life for Christians can get horrifically awful. In the end, perhaps it’s not our sweet serenity and easy belief when all is well, but our “hanging-on-by-our-toenails” faith that is what God cherishes. Blessings to you.May 31, 2019 at 12:55 am
The answer is simple: kill “god.” As a former christian, I had a very bad experience that lead me to read, re-read, study, re-study and analyze the bible time and time again. Several scriptures stood out including: 2 timothy 2:3, ephesians 6:5, romans 2: 11 and matthew 10:34. But the one that stood out the most to me was isaiah 40:29, to paraphrase “the godLess will become more powerful and the righteous will become Powerless.” It’s Treason, period point-blank.
Science confirms that jesus christ did walk the earth but it’s debatable whether or not he was executed by the Romans for killed by his own people, the Jews. Has anybody ever taken a good look at a cross and realized which letter of the alphabet it resembles? That’s right, the letter “t,” which stands for “traitor.” “Do you think I came to bring world peace? Not at all but a sword” (matthew 10:34) said jesus christ. On one hand you have a “triune ‘god'” who says “he” “loves” us but has no respect for people (romans 2:11). jesus christ wasn’t “sacrificed,” he was Executed and rightfully so because he was a Traitor.July 2, 2019 at 10:07 am
If god is able to prevent evil but won’t then he’s malevolent. If god is unable to prevent evil then he’s not omniscient. If he’s not omniscient why call him “god?”July 4, 2019 at 5:03 am
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/story-of-jesus-christ-was-fabricated-to-pacify-the-poor-claims-controversial-biblical-scholar-8870879.htmlJuly 6, 2019 at 12:59 pm
Truth of the matter is, I stopped believing in god a long time ago. I get the whole “god fearing concept,” but the problem with that approach is that it either creates enemies or subjects and you can pretty much guess which category I fell into. Hypothetically if the god of the bible did actually exist and betrayed my trust, I’d just leave because who needs a god you can’t trust? I don’t care if I get into Heaven and could care less if I go to Hell. God loses.July 22, 2019 at 10:55 pm
“I don’t fear hell and I don’t look forward to heaven” said the late, great Katharine Hepburn. After finally recovering fully from a 13 year pshycological fight with “inner demons” manifested by my time in a Southern California Christian cult, I can honestly say that any “god” who would betray anybody’s trust is unworthy of it. Preachers would call my new found attitudes toward christianity “ego,” “pride,” “arrogance,” whatever, but I call it Self-Respect. We only accept the love we think we deserve and the words “Love” and “betrayal” don’t even belong in the same sentence.July 28, 2019 at 8:56 am
You are suffering from a grandiose delusion/bipolar disorder. The human mind is very complex and very deceptive. It can make you believe anything. And whilst you are in the delusion, you truly will believe anything. However, God doesn’t exist, and the way this is understood is by realising that your relationship with God never really gets anywhere: it requires constant confirmation bias on your part to keep it going. I know this because I have strongly believed at times that I am the Hindu God Shiva. Yet when I study the symptoms of grandiose delusion I realise that this is an insane thought. But when you are in the judge of it, you truly believe it.July 28, 2019 at 3:45 pm
I’ll confess: I left christianity because I didn’t get what I wanted out of life and there’s no shame in that. I can trade bible verses with the best of them, tit-for-tat, quid pro quo, whatever. I know the bible and understand this profound truth: the godLess win, the Righteous lose and the “god” of the bible likes it that way and that is why I rejected “him.”January 6, 2020 at 11:10 pm
I’ve expressed the anger, the pain, the confusion, in my prayers, but how do you move to trusting Him again? I’ve been honest with Him, prayed messy prayers, but I feel stuck cause it’s not moving beyond that to be able to trust Him again. When none of the years of suffering feels “worth it,” even though you’re in a more stable, safe place now. How do you trust Him not for an outcome, not for something you can see is good? How were you able to believe He’s good to you personally? I’m not saying this out of spite or anything; I’ve been thru a lot too and want to be able to see this the way you do but I can’t.April 1, 2020 at 12:40 pm
Thank you for your honesty, Aletheia. I think you’re asking the right questions and there are no easy answers. My heart goes out to you. This post was written very much in the middle of the struggle for me and I hadn’t arrived at any final sense of trust. I think it takes time and a lot of rethinking and reconsidering and that’s okay. I don’t know what theological background you come from but for me, I had to really disconnect from Reformed/Calvinistic theology and start reading the bible for myself before I could begin to heal. There were certain things (that I think were untrue) I was believing about God that made trusting much, much, much, much harder than it had to be. Like believing that God sovereignly ordains whatsoever comes to pass, even evil and human choices. Like believing that God’s glory is all about his total control rather than his goodness and love. Perhaps it will be different for you but it might be worth questioning some of your assumptions about who God is and how he is involved in your life and especially, what role he played in *causing* your suffering.
Faith will always be required, but I think you’re right that we need to be able to trust in real goodness that can be seen and understood. Even C.S. Lewis agreed with that,
“Any consideration of the goodness of God at once threatens us with the following dilemma.
On the one hand, if God is wiser than we His judgment must differ from ours on many things, and not least on good and evil. What seems to us good may therefore not be good in His eyes, and what seems to us evil may not be evil.
On the other hand, if God’s moral judgment differs from ours so that our ‘black’ may be His ‘white,’ we can mean nothing by calling Him good; for to say ‘God is good,’ while asserting that His goodness is wholly other than ours, is really only to say ‘God is we know not what.’ And an utterly unknown quality in God cannot give us moral grounds for loving or obeying Him. If He is not (in our sense) ‘good’ we shall obey, if at all, only through fear – and should be equally ready to obey an omnipotent Fiend. The doctrine of Total Depravity – where the consequence is drawn that, since we are totally depraved, our idea of good is worth simply nothing – may thus turn Christianity into a form of devil-worship.”April 1, 2020 at 1:44 pm
Hi Ana!May 18, 2020 at 3:48 pm
I saw your comment on your Reformed/ Calvanist background and wanted to ask you some questions (in private) about that in regards to chronic illness and trust in God. I can’t find your contact info. How can I get a hold of you? Thanks!
A struggling sister
I’m sorry I missed this comment. You can email me at [email protected]June 10, 2020 at 7:05 pm
I also wanted to add that although I don’t know if I can yet say that it was worth all this pain, I definitely am seeing more and more recognizably good and beautiful things come out of the suffering I experienced. Many more than I could see 2.5 years ago when I first wrote this post. If this continues, I expect there will come a time, possibly even in this life, when I can say that it was worth it for all the wonderful and truly good things that would never have happened otherwise.April 1, 2020 at 2:46 pm
I left christianity and started studying Buddhism. I’m less angry because of meditation and it made a major difference. Good luck.September 24, 2020 at 5:41 am
So basically this article pretty much confirmed that gawd is an abuser. I am reminded of a guy in a church I was stupid enough to attend for a short time who pursued a certain field of study in college because after prayer with family he felt called by gawd to do that. He graduated. Congratulations and celebration all around! 1 month later, he was killed in a car wreck.
gawd doesn’t care about any of us. The totality of evidence is clear. In the 21st century, all he has is empty promises and zero action. The buybull is a book of lies.May 20, 2020 at 9:46 pm
“We Must Kill ‘god'” is an article written by Philani A Nyoni on November 17, 2014, look it up. It says in Romans 2:11 “‘god’ has no respect for people.” Well, ultimately that disrespect (betrayal) is what got “god” (jesus christ) killed.September 18, 2020 at 6:25 am
Regarding critique on religion, there is really nothing new under the sun. In fact, I find myself frequently coming back to this blog and commenting under several pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. The only thing that might hint to my true identity is my consistent use of sentence structure and grammar but I digress. Only reason to stay devoted to a “god” who betrays trust is out of Fear, not love. Same old pattern, you get crushed by life, dig out that bible and start searching for answers. Then you come across a bible verse, something along the lines of 2 Timothy 2:3 (Google it). Then you dust yourself off and try to continue on with your life until you get crushed again. Same cycle, different scripture (maybe Romans 2:11 this time), again and again, except with each defeat,, you start to lose a part of your former self; the old you that was maybe 21 or 22 years old that was ready to take on the world and win. However, the “new” you, perhaps 32 has regressed from “ambition” to “submission.” “It wasn’t ‘god’s will’ for me to win” you think to yourself. And to me, that is the beginning of the end. Now that I’m no longer 21 or 22 years old and have well moved out of that “Disney” world of thinking, I would reject a “god” who would disrespect my loyalty in any way, shape or form to “mold” me into a christian that would just give up and “turn the other cheek” instead of fighting for what he wants. I’m not perfect and am by no definition a “saint” but for an omniscient “god” who wants for nothing until “he’s” no longer the center of attention and or happiness to betray my trust because “he’s” jealous? That’s a “god” I’d have rejected at a younger age had I have had the life experience and knowledge to do so with. I deserve better than that.September 30, 2020 at 8:00 am
There’s this movie called Idiocracy (2006) with Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph where both their characters volunteer for a military experiment in which they were both only supposed to sleep for one year. Mayhem ensues, which leads to Rudolph and Wilson waking up 500 years later to a world full of idiots. The world in the year 2505 is so “idiotic,” they can’t tell the difference between Adolf Hitler and Charlie Chaplin (because of the mustache), the use of proper spelling and grammar is less common (kind of like it is in the real world today) and the number one movie in the world is entitled “Ass.” And it’s literally a giant picture of somebody’s ass. My point is, religion is a to created to control the poor and the ignorant. While some things in the bible might be true, they aren’t true “literally,” but merely “literarily.”October 5, 2020 at 3:48 pm
I was feeling depressed for a year and a half after being let go of a person and lost my hopes on pursuing a career. This is the third time I failed so badly in life after I did my best. I am turning 31 and I knew time is running out for me. I even wished to kill myself last year. Thank you for your sharing and your reflections. May God bless you.September 30, 2021 at 8:57 am
HOW AND WHY THE JEWS KILLED “jesus christ/god/holy spirit” IN ANCIENT ROME AND BECAME THE MASTERS OF THEIR OWN DESTINY by godKiller
I’ll keep it simple with anecdotal analogies: “god” is the republic, “jesus christ” is “unchecked female hypergamy&feminism” and “the holy spirit” is rage and anger fueled by male involuntary celibacy. Ever wonder why the Jewish community is thriving today with set gender roles, strong marriages and generational wealth? It’s because their ancestors killed “jesus christ” (feminism-unchecked hypergamy) 2,000 years ago in Rome (republic) before it was overthrown and fell. NEVER come between a man and his the ability to have children and sustain his family legacy. Problem with “god” is that “he” knows where “the line” is, “he” just doesn’t think there will be consequences for Crossing it.
THE GOOD NEWS “god” can be de-throned and DEFEATED because the Jews did it thousands of years ago which is why christianity doesn’t exist in that culture. THE BAD NEWS is that “god” doesn’t really “die” after “he’s” de-throned, “he” just re-invents “himself,” and switches cultures.
“jesus christ” is “feminism.” “god” is “the republic.” “holy spirit” is “unchecked female hypergamy.”
You’re welcome.April 3, 2022 at 8:14 am