Day 50 | It’s Alright to Cry

April 28, 2017

Today was a really hard day. Objectively, it might not have been much harder than any of the other days. But for some reason, everything started to really get to me today.

First off, two police officers came to check on us in one day! I am so sick of police officers constantly checking on us! I mean, I’m glad they care and they’ve always been really nice to us. But still, it sometimes feels to me like they’re rubbing it in that we’re homeless. I know that’s not their intention but I just don’t like being in a situation where police officers feel the need to check on us all the time.

Worst of all, a bunch of our belongings got cross-contaminated when I went through the trunk to throw contaminated things away. I wish I hadn’t touched it because now it feels like almost everything has some itchy contamination on it.

We’re not sure what to do. Throwing everything out and starting over with a new rental car seems like it would be the best option but that’s expensive. Especially since we’ll probably need to do that again when we get our van.

I wish we could just get our van now! We’re so tired of being cold and uncomfortable at night! Unfortunately, Wyoming is still really cold right now and we need to be able to car camp or tent camp while Sara Mattson and her husband are helping us do the van conversion. I guess we’ll just have to make do for a few more weeks.

I’m also really tired of moving around so much and never knowing where we’re going to sleep at night. I just want to find a spot where we can stay for several months and come up with a good set up for showering, doing laundry, keeping our food cold, and doing work. I’m thankful that the unpredictably of my illness has taught me to be flexible but I really wish this level of flexibility wasn’t necessary! It’s a little beyond my comfort zone. Okay, a lot.

I guess I just needed cry today and Brett can tell you that I did. I just can’t wait until my reactivity starts going down and I can take a warm shower inside a building. Windy showers and pouring cold water on my head over and over for decontamination is definitely the hardest thing for me.

I’m glad mold avoidance is working so obviously well because I don’t think I would have the courage to stick with it otherwise. Thankfully, the results have been really dramatic for my health and I know that I will look back on this hard time and say that it was all worth it.

This is a really cute song my sister-in-law showed me back when we were still living in Portland. It’s for all of you criers out there. 🙂

It’s Alright to Cry

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  • Bekah

    Oh, Ana! I am so sorry that you feel so bad, my heart hurts so much for you. I wish that I could do something for you to make you feel better… I know, a virtual hug! Sending love, hugs, and prayers for both you, and Brett. God will get you through this, just keep Him close, even when it’s hard.

    April 29, 2017 at 7:01 pm Reply
  • Katherine Forster

    I’m so sorry… I can’t imagine going through all the crazy stuff you have and do. God must have given you such an incredible amount of courage just to be where you are. Praying for you and Brett every day, especially that you would get a place to stay, and soon!

    April 29, 2017 at 8:10 pm Reply
    • Ana Harris

      Aww… This is such a sweet and encouraging comment Katherine. Thanks so much for reading and praying!

      April 30, 2017 at 5:34 pm Reply
  • Patty Margaret

    Hey, Ana. Sending good wishes and hugs. Crying often washes out old and current hurts. Maybe your feel stronger to day because you spent this time with the feelings. They have their day too. Hugs.
    Moving: my mom was a snow bird for 18 years and when she was asked don’t you get tried of moving she said no I’m just changing the view, my things don’t change in the RV. Soo, I think the van’s going to help.
    I’ve looked around here for a used one and think I’ll get the smaller one right now. I think the lower floor will leave room for Sara s great shelves under the bed, but it will be too short for the taller shelves. It’s better than the regular vans because there won’t be all that upholstery to deal with. There are not a lot on the market used. But the ford store can build a new one with a whole lot of options!!! Look the machine the use on the internet. My used one will require decon. and glue removal if I take out the rubber mats. We don’t know if we will get the taller model. We travel up to a month at a time a few times a year, and now this senbatical. But we’ve been good in a Prius and tent 3 weeks. but your full timer life, you’ll be so happy with a big “rig” Cargo van. Keep up the great work. Be brave.

    April 30, 2017 at 8:00 am Reply
    • Ana Harris

      Aww… Thanks Patty! I definitely agree with you. I think the van will seem like a palace after this and it will make life so much easier. I’m so sick of chasing the weather around trying to avoid dust and rain. I hope you can get your van soon too! Sara Mattson is a great resource if you haven’t already consulted with her.

      April 30, 2017 at 5:32 pm Reply
  • Sara

    Praying! My heart hurts for you. <3

    April 30, 2017 at 4:06 pm Reply
  • Natalie Julson

    Praying for you Ana <3

    April 30, 2017 at 4:15 pm Reply
  • Courtney Harris

    We’ll keep praying for you, Ana! We love you guys!!

    April 30, 2017 at 5:20 pm Reply
    • Ana Harris

      Thank you! I miss you Courtney! Not having a phone has really made me feel cut off from the world. đź’š

      April 30, 2017 at 5:29 pm Reply
      • Courtney Harris

        I miss talking/texting with you, too! I’ll just trust it is temporary and that we can hopefully catch up before too long!!

        May 1, 2017 at 2:05 pm Reply
  • Erin

    Ohhh, that’s so sad that y’all are going through this whole contamination, cross-contamination, bad reaction process stuff again!!! It sounded like you were getting better there for awhile!! (I’m sure you are still getting better…just not very obviously probably). I’ll pray that you’ll start feeling better and will be able to stick it out until you can go to Wyoming! I’ll pray that you will find a van too!!! *big hugs for you and Brett*
    -Erin (YWW Student)

    April 30, 2017 at 8:12 pm Reply
  • Joanna


    You don’t know me but I’ve been following you guys on this healing journey. Praying for you! I don’t have anything like what you have but I’ve been chronically ill over 3 years now, so I can feel for you just a bit. I just found out that it looks like besides severe IBS, I also have histamine intolerance. Anyway, just wanted to say – may God be with you with His comfort and grace and healing. Hugs from Taiwan!

    April 30, 2017 at 8:41 pm Reply
  • Rachel


    I just got caught up fully wth you guys on your journey! I know this time is hard, but it will be precious to you both when you are on the other side growing old together. I love seeing the photos of you two and just find your husband to be so precious. I hope your van brings you everything you hope for and I must say you are an incredibly brave and beautiful person! <3

    April 30, 2017 at 11:52 pm Reply
  • Ruth Meyer

    Days like this make me so thankful to know one day God will wipe away all tears from our eyes. In this broken world, though, the tears will fall, and yes–it’s okay to cry! That doesn’t mean it’s all “okay” or you feel “okay”, but there’s nothing wrong with a day of outpouring. I find the days I have to cry, are days I’m emotionally able to let go of something, to release a little denial and admit I’m still weak. That’s when I think of Bible verses like 1 Corinthians 1:27 “But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;” God loves me, and accepts me as His precious child and willing servant, no matter how I’m feeling or what I can or can’t do. God gives us strength to go on, and grace for the days when our strength falls apart. This is a playlist of songs I listen to when I feel like crying, or just feel down, and need the kind of gentle comfort that only a beautiful sad song can give. These songs have a bit of hope and peace in each of them, so they are not just sad for sadness sake. Continuing in prayer for you, Ana and Brett!

    May 1, 2017 at 6:50 pm Reply
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